Acme Explosives Handbook for Handling Giant Sea Mammals

Picture this: it was a crisp November day (November 12, 1970) in Florence, Oregon. The local authorities had a colossal problem on their hands – a massive, rotting whale carcass had washed ashore, and they needed to dispose of it. Now, I’m no marine biologist, but I can tell you that when a beached whale starts to decompose, it’s not all sunshine and rainbows.

In their wisdom, the officials decided that the best way to handle this stinking dilemma was to blow up the whale. Yes, blow it up! And not with dynamite, mind you, but with half a ton of good old-fashioned dynamite. It’s like they took a page out of the “Acme Explosives Handbook for Handling Giant Sea Mammals.”

The plan was simple, they said. They’d place the dynamite on one side of the whale, light the fuse, and then, voilà! The explosion would propel the whale bits out to sea, and the seagulls would have themselves a feast they’d remember for a lifetime.

Now, I’m sure they had the best of intentions, but this was 1970, and perhaps folks didn’t have Google to look up “How to Explode a Whale Without Destroying Half the Town.” And explode it did, with an earth-shattering kaboom that would put the Fourth of July fireworks to shame.

The result? Well, let’s just say it rained blubber. Chunks of whale meat rained down on the crowd that had gathered to witness this spectacle, and it was like a scene from a surreal horror movie. The moral of the story? When faced with a beached whale, don’t try to outsmart it with dynamite. Call a marine biologist, or better yet, leave it to the seagulls. They’re the real experts in recycling sea creatures.

The explosion was so powerful that it damaged buildings nearby and left a smoking, gooey mess where the once-beached behemoth had been. Some folks even had their cars flattened by falling chunks of blubber. Imagine trying to explain that one to your insurance company: “Well, you see, a whale fell on my car…”

Now, this tale might be a bit “whale”-tastic for some, but it’s a reminder that even the best-laid plans can go awry in the most spectacular and absurd ways. So, the next time you’re faced with an insurmountable problem, remember the exploding whale and ask yourself, “Is dynamite really the answer?” In most cases, I’d wager it’s not.

Always remember, life is full of surprises – some big, some blubbery, and some just plain explosive!